Last Friday, I hosted a breakout session at the Luminary Conference.
In front of a room full of leaders, I asked them to think about that conversation. The one they've been avoiding. The one they rehearse in the middle of the night.
I've had my share of them. The client call where you have to reset expectations. The performance review that could go either way. That conversation with your teenager about… pretty much anything.
Everyone has them. No one likes them. But with the right tools, you can turn tough conversations into trusted moments.
Mastering the shared pool of meaning
My favorite concept from the presentation: the shared pool of meaning.
Picture two separate pools — yours and the person you’re talking to. Each is filled with opinions, feelings, thoughts, and past experiences. Most crucial conversations fail because we're protecting our own pool instead of creating a shared one.
Progress happens when you can get both pools flowing into one. Even when ideas are opposing, you can find common ground, like:
- We both want the project to succeed.
- We both want the team to thrive.
- We both want to get home at a reasonable hour.
Easier said than done, right? Here's an easy way to get started. At the beginning of the conversations, state what you want AND what you don't want:
With a team member:
- Do want: "I want us to hit deadlines without burning out the team."
- Don't want: "I don't want you to feel like I'm questioning your commitment."
With a client:
- Do want: "I want to deliver the right solution for your goals."
- Don't want: "I don't want this to feel like we're nickel-and-diming."
With your partner:
- Do want: "I want us to feel secure about our future."
- Don't want: "I don't want this to become a blame game about spending."
This simple framework shifts the dynamic from "me vs. you" to "us vs. the problem."
Reset phrases that actually work
Sometimes conversations go sideways despite our best intentions. That's when you need reset phrases:
- "My goal isn't to win — it's to solve this together."
- "I may be missing something — can you help me see it?"
- "Let's take a minute to reset. We both want [shared goal]."
- "I want to circle back to something you said..."
Once you have established that shared pool of meaning — that mutual purpose — you can continue to use it as a grounding point for the conversation.
Your hard thing for the week
Want the complete framework, including practice scenarios and more reset phrases? Download the full High-Stakes Conversations Field Guide — it's everything from my Luminary Conference presentation in a format you can keep handy.
As Peter Bromberg says, "When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short-term discomfort for long-term dysfunction."
So here's your challenge: Identify one crucial conversation you need to have. Write your opening two sentences using the "I want/I don't want" framework. Then have it. This week.
